I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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