you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
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all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
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Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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