So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
