booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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