Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
