Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
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It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
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I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
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