Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
