god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Randomize
