I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
