I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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