I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
