walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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