my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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