Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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