I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
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