her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Semen is not good for contacts.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
