the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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