apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
