I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
Randomize
