ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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