We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
19 People Confess The Worst Things They Have Been Accused Of
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵