Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.