woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
