let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
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