u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
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