we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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