Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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