I think I won the penis lottery.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
