Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
