i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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