I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
