So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
