I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
