And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Just took my morning after pill in the library
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
