I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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