just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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