chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
