I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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