Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
