I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
