I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
