shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Randomize
