My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
