bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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