I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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