i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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