if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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