Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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