God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize