Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I'm bleeding and have questions
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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