This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I checked into jail on foursquare
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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