I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
