Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
