If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
