remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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