As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
