final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
It's official drugs can't kill me
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
